Things I've Said to My Kids: Part 1

Over the years, I've found myself saying things to my daughters I never thought I'd have to say to another human being. Ever. But, here we are.

  • Don't draw on yourself.
  • Don't draw on your sister.
  • Sorry, but you can't eat cat poop.
  • Spit out that damn dog food.
  • No, sorry, you can't stick anything in the dog's butthole.
  • Go ahead. Chew that piece of gum you found on the floor. I dare you. So I can watch your tongue rot out of your mouth.
  • No, we can't dye your skin blue like the Nav'i from Avatar.
  • You can't tell someone with bad breath that it smells like they ate a poop sandwich. Why? It's rude. Yes, it's funny. But it's still rude.
  • Sure, you can look into a career as a professional ice-cream cone, I guess.
  • Stand still so I can see what you stuck up your nose.
  • How the hell did you accidentally stab yourself in the arm with a pencil?

Stay tuned because being a mom to an 8 and 13 year-old, I'm sure to have a few more doozies over the years.