I Just Want to Pee In Private

Way back, about a billion years ago, I took advantage of a closed door.

Then I had kids.

These days, a closed door is a cue for my girls to need me right this very second. I can go an entire day out in the open and totally available and no one will need a damn thing from me. But the moment I have the audacity to shut the bathroom door and sit my fat ass on the toilet, suddenly the whole world needs me. More importantly, my kids barge right on in like I'm not sitting there peeing.

I love when Frankie is all, "Just lock the door when you're in there."

Men. You gotta love 'em.

A Locked Door? Challenge Accepted

Nothing entices a child more than their mom, not only behind a closed door, but a locked door. All of a sudden they're the babysitter from the first (and creepy) The Amityville Horror. You know the scene. The one where the babysitter gets locked in the closet and bangs on the door until her hands are bloody.

Yeah, that's every kid banging on a locked bathroom door.

As a mom, I've learned how to pee in front of an audience. I've also done my fair share of the Shower Scramble. The one where you're innocently showering, minding your own business when out of nowhere a child storms in and shoves the curtain aside. There you are, standing under a stream of water, scrambling to cover your lady parts.

Look, although I love to poke fun at parenthood, and the less-than-glamorous mommy-moments, the truth is, I adore my girls right down to the crumbs of them. But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't pay good money for a smidgen of privacy when they're home. And with summer vacation looming on the horizon, gone are the weekdays when they're at school and I can leisurely shower and pee knowing I'm safe from intruders.